So for the past six months I have been perfectly content with my life.... on the outside anyway. I feel like I have been becoming victim to believing everything I want everyone else to believe i want. It is like I am lying to everyone and then starting to believe my own lies. Dont get me wrong I love my life. I am on the deans list, i love my friends, I have amazing sisters, my family is outstanding, i ust dropped my sororitues debt from $185,000 to zero balance, and i still keep in contact with the friends from home that i had always hoped to (emmi, peep, jena, missi, saint, etc.) however i am begining to feel like there is something missing. i pride myself on being anti-relationship but what if what i am missing really is a special boy in my lfe?
this scares me because i am so keen on being independant. I love not having to have a boy around to do the dirty work, i love paying my own rent, i love carrying around vera baradley and knowing that daddy didn't pay for it but i did with my cocktail waitressing money. i love that i made friends at my new job right off the bat and that my bonnet boys miss me when i dont see them for three days. but as i sit here after the boys have left, my day working sisters have gone to bed and i crack open another cheap beer all y myself i cant help but wonder... will my plan work? maybe i shouldnt have one. i feel sorry for the 26 year old girls that still work in the grill at beach club (that i work at) waiting tables but will more than likely that will be me. i like to think that some amazing PR firm in The City or in Charlotte will just call me up a year from december and offer me an amazing $50,000 a year a job to start just because i have blue eyes and a cute smile... that two years from now ill be strolling the NY some or southern city streets in Manolo Blahnik's carrying a Louis V. bag like a true professional in an armani pant suit on my way home from an amazing job to my beatiful apartment where my very sucessful, ambitiouos fiance will be waiting for me with a bottle of champagne (change fanasy to a 30 rack of sam adams but i had to give into the mode.
lets be honest here... there is a slight chance that i will have the above job and be national pres. of sigma kappa by the time i am 26 (plus an enormous, beautiful sparkling ring on my finger) and at lease three of my sisters in the same city...
with a plan like this....... who the hell is going to want to marry me?!?!
there is no doubt in my mind that i can land my dream PR job by age 23; but with the amount of time i spend in the library now (the office in a few years) i dont see any suitable man coming my way.
i was completely horrified yesterday when one of my sisters stated that we were "getting to that age"-- meaning marraige. she was right. if i were my mother i'd me married in september. can you imagine??!?!?!?
i havent had a boyfriend since i was a sophomore in highschool
i guess this post has rounded itself back to the issue that i need to get off my huge independance sreak and accept the fact that a boyfriend might not be half bad right now.
if only i wans't so god damn stuobburnly set on being independant ... when most 20 year old's parents offer to pay a months rent they jump at the opportunity... when patti mayonaise offered to pay my july rent because i missed a week of work due to being in ohio for sigma kappa convention, i said no and asked my land lord for an extension. some amazing beer or a few bottles of grey goose or meyers could have been purchased with that $400 but i am so damn independanlty stubborn that i insisted on being broke for three weeks than have my parents pay my rent. who does that?!?!?
why the hell did i do that?!?!
if not good beer i could have gotten a beautiful fendi bag (something i only dream about) out of it.
im too stubborn. i need to start letting people help me when i need it
i may be a little tipsy, but at least it makes me admit these things.
staying in RI for the summer was the best decision however. although it was not the raging party i imagined, im kind of glad its not... im not making as much money as i would have if i didnt have to pay rent,. but i am breaking a little above even as opposed to if i had stayed at home. plus being home would ahve made me miserable. i ould never see my boys, i would never have met the dunes club kids, id miss my sisters more than life itself and i wouldn't be close to my shauna.
for those who dont know one of my sisters was resently diagnosed with lymphoma (cancer of the lymphnodes) and also has a cancerous tumor between her lungs and heart she is doing well though and the chemo is working. i dont see her much but the fact that i can makes things so much easier. i keep having dreams that i have cancer too. during my dreams i am happy that i do because i have shauna to go through everything with. maybe this is just telling me how much i really love her.
the only thing that bothers me about my frineds from home is that they thing sigma kappa is just a stupid sorority. i CAN NOT EXPLAIN how much my girls mean to me. when i say i would DIE for any one of them... i mean it. i truely TRUELY wish that i were sick instead of shauna.
i LOVE every single one of them for everything that they are...this is not to mention my pledge class. if someone were to ask me to give up every memory of everything i have ever had and every memory that anyone has ever had of me for anyone of my fall '02ers i would. without a thought. i would do the unspeakable for anyone of the 12 of them. cindy allen, jessica balmuth, kathryn blair, rachel cardillo, lana casper, kristen cavaco, deirdre dady, erin killea, jennifer marcin, katherine seavey, meg shewchuck and holland sunyak.. these are my best friends and my sisters... just try to tell me that sororties are superficial... just try... would you do this for your friends?
cindy jean we miss and LOVVVVEE you
kitty kat so ecstatic to have you back
the more i think about it.. i dont have anything to complain about... so far i am successfu, i have a great family and many sets of amazing friends (BM, CW, JO'H, SN) (TEP boys) (lambda boys) and more amazing sisters than i could have dreamed of...
i guess i just miss having a special someone... and i'm scared of the future... and ill only admit it cause im about 9 deep...
its time to finish this last beer
maybe watch a little ferris bueller and pass out